GwenBlog

Sick

And tired.  Very, very tired.

Will blog more when I'm up to it.  Thank you all for the support and well wishes...I appreciate them so, so much.

I Feel a Cold Front Coming

I blog more when I'm sad.

A few weeks ago, I read an article in Newsweek about a woman who had the exact same kind of cancer as me and not only is she in full remission, she managed to keep her fertility intact and give birth to a daughter after her ordeal.  So many cancer patients achieve remission and the most I've ever attained has been ten months of freedom from this nightmare of a disease.

Ten months in six and a half years.

I'll say it.  It's not fair.  I know I sound like a five year old but I don't care.  I've had enough; I've really had enough.  I'm tired of hearing about the strength I have; I don't want the label anymore.  I'm tired of looking at perspective and comparison.  I don't want to care about the struggles everyone else is facing; I just care that mine seems to never end.

I'm tired of throwing up in front of my three year old.  I'm tired of trying to hide my cancer from her.  I can't anymore; she knows.  She comes into bed with me and reads me stories to make me, in her words, "all better."  And I lay there and cry inwardly because she knows, in her own way, that I struggle.

Last week, six plus years of cancer came hurtling out of my mouth as I screamed so loudly that I just knew my throat was bleeding fire.  I laid on the floor and banged the carpet in complete hatred.  My head pounded and I felt pity.

And deep sadness looms today.  Because here I go.  Again.

Dancing Queen

Ah, Abba never goes out of style.

Regimen

I'm not going into many details because I've just learned over the years that my cancer seems to always come back.  It's hard, I don't know the whys of my disease and that can really bring me down.  This past week, contrary to what's been written here on the blog, has been devastatingly hard. 

I've been having major dizziness and headaches, along with the ever-present nausea.  Scott's taking off more time from work, Gwen's more than well aware that I'm feeling poorly and I'm watching friends come in and out to help pick up the slack.

I can handle cancer making me sick.  I can handle cancer taking my hair.  I can handle the infusions, the radiation, the needle prods.  What I can't and don't handle very well is my inability to move and do at my regular pace. 

I hate being sick.  Hate, hate, hate being sick.  Cancer makes me mad more than anything, I think.

Treatment begins Tuesday.

Ho, Ho, Ho!

(1)  Pretend and Play Explorer Set - Gwen loves to collect, play and explore so this is right up her alley.
(2)  Princess Elise Magnetic Doll - We have the other two sets and they are BIG hits so when I saw the third in the series, I knew she'd love it.
(3)  Musical Tutu - There is not a toy on planet earth that is more perfect for our girl.
(4)  I Spy Board Game - This looks like a board game that won't make me want to roll the eyes out of my very head.
(5)  Floating Tub Cook Set - A little youngish for her but again, right up Gwen's alley.  She loves hanging out in the tub so it seemed like a natural fit.
(6)  Gear-Powered Googlies - I so love this toy.  I think we're getting it for her because I love it so much.  (I'm hoping she'll agree with me.)
(7)  Play Foam - Gwen is the Chinese Martha Stewart.  This kid loves to craft so I indulge her artsy side constantly.
(8)  Barrel of Fun Craft Bucket - See above.
(9)  Make Your Own Cards Crafting Kit - See above and above that.
(10)  Dado Cubes - Gwen still loves playing with blocks and puzzles so I'm thinking this might be a winner.

*****

Of course we'll throw in a tube of lip gloss (her current favorite thing) and some books.  And I think I'd like to get her a Leap Frog toy but I haven't really researched those yet...any suggestions?  But for the most part, there you have it.  Gwen's Christmas List, 2009 style.  Don't even roll your eyes...y'all know I'm always early to the holiday fun.

Ho, ho, ho.

Sorry, Daddy

So Gwen was upstairs in her playroom playing with her various Mr. Potato Heads while I finished up laundry.  She told me to hurry because she had something "very important" to show me.  I walked into her playroom and saw this.   She smiled broadly and exclaimed, "Look!  I made him sparkly!"

Then, she informed me that he needed a nap and she proceeded to tuck him in beside one of her baby dolls.

I asked her why he was tired and she promptly told me, "He's tired from being in the galaxy."

Heh. 

So much for Scott's dream of turning her into a Star Wars geek.

I Don't Know What I'm Doing Either

Mothering, that is.

It's really a guessing game, I think.  Not a single day passes now without Gwen asking about China, her time in the orphanage, her foster family, their house, her abandonment.  It is incessant, the questions we're getting from her.

She is romanticizing her abandonment.  It's amazing to see and heartbreaking to hear.  She will ask me if her foster family had a playset in their backyard.  She's asked if her birthmother kissed her before wrapping her in the blanket in which she was found.  She wants to know if the blanket had pink sparkles on it.  She wants to know where the other children from the orphanage are now and if they are happy too.  I cannot answer her questions fast enough and sometimes, I simply can't answer them at all.

And let me tell you, having to tell your child "I don't know" is excruciatingly painful.  We so want to give our girl everything and I've finally found the one thing I can't give her.  Maybe ever.  She regularly "calls" her birthmother on her play telephone.  She will "ask" questions like what's her favorite color, does she like corn or would she like to come live in our house too?

I am really muddling through this right now.  And I'll be honest, I'm having moments where I really, truly wish I didn't have this Pandora's box to open. 

But I do it because she deserves to hear her story from us, good bad or indifferent.

So Laughter Can Come On Any Random Day...

After bathtime tonight as I was lotioning Gwen before putting on her nightgown, she took off running and giggling.  The next I thing I hear?

"Daddy!!  Daddy, look!  I have lotion on my nipples!!"

Heh.  The look on Scott's face was priceless. 

Go.Have.Fun.

I awoke this morning with a crying headache left over from last night, I had no inclination to talk with Scott and I was ill-tempered with Gwen.  I was in no mood for anything or anyone.

And then Gwen walked up to me, grabbed onto my leg in a big bear hug and said, "Are you too sick to go to the park with me?   We could have fun there, Mom."

And it hit me.

Go.  Have fun.  It really is that simple.

It's the middle of August and typically, the temps here are unbearable this time of year.  But not today.  Low 80's, no humidity, almost autumnal.  And we spent it swinging, sliding, picking up pine cone treasures, hiking and canoeing.

And guess what?  Physically, I still feel like crap. 

Emotionally?  I feel amazing.

Recurrence

I've spent a great many day since September 13, 2005 living a dream. 

There have been days in my mothering career where I've temporarily had to duck into the bathroom for some breathing space and sanity from Gwen but really, truly my priorities have always been spot on.  It's never been about getting the whites whiter or keeping up with the local mom's playgroup; it's been more about sticky fingers, lollipop giggles and crafting glitter in my hair.

Sometimes, though, interruptions come knocking. 

Cancer's back.  On Ada Faye's birthday, no less.

Peeking Through

At the Park with Miranda

Outer Banks Recap

Yes, we've been at the Outer Banks. 

It was as beautiful as I'd remembered it from last year.  Only this time around there was no fear of the ocean on Gwen's part.  She wanted to spend her days running and jumping in the surf, collecting seashells and digging in the sand. 

And so we obliged.

Scott's cousin was married there this past Saturday and it was Gwen's first wedding.  We've attended weddings since she's been home but always without her.  Not so this time.  She loved it.  I am not exaggerating one bit when I tell you she danced for four solid hours at the reception.  The child wouldn't even stop for a bite of cake.  If that's a glimpse into her college years, Scott and I are in for it in a big, big way.

This vacation brought about many, many questions about China.  Gwen saw a pregnant woman on the beach and wanted to know why she had so much food in her belly.  That one took some explaining.  And it led to the pregnancy talk, the why Mommy's not pregnant talk, the who was pregnant with me talk and on and on and on.  I can't tell you how comforting it was to have access to Gwen's lifebook; I was able to easily pull it up online since I didn't pack the hard copy with us.  (I've posted this link before but here it is again, just in case.)  She wanted to know all about her birthparents, her foster family, her orphanage, the other kids who lived there with her, etc.  All the way home in the car today she asked a million more questions about China.

At first I would find myself holding back the tears as I told her story but it's getting easier.  The reality is that all of our stories have bumps and hers is no different.  It's just uniquely hers, that's all.  I've told her time and again we will talk about anything she needs / wants anytime she cares to and so far, that's satisfying her curiosity.

I didn't spend my days taking infinite amounts of pictures from the beach...just enough to capture our time there and mostly, we just hung out.  Never rushing here or there, just being together.  It was really, really nice.

Tomorrow, we have some good friends coming in from out of town for an extended weekend so we'll be busy having fun, I'm sure.  Maybe I'll charge up my camera in time to get some photos of the girls.  We're just busy enjoying the last vestiges of summer before the beginning of preschool here in a few weeks.  The grindstone is ahead and I'm not giving into it yet.

Beach Smiles with Daddy

Carrying a Pail of Water is Serious Business

Beach Smiles with Mommy

Buried in the Sand

Where We've Been....

Three Years

Nothing is as far away as a minute ago.  Or, in this case, what seems to be a lifetime away.  July 28th.    Even saying the date brings back the floodgate of emotion from our referral day, now three years past.  I don't think I could ever forget the events of that day.  Maybe it's not your actual birthday, but it's certainly the day I gave birth.  My dreams were realized and I keep thinking it can't get any better. Ah, but I'm so wrong.  Motherhood has taught me that I'm wrong quite a bit, actually.  But we're making the memories, the mistakes, the hopes and the dreams together.  We are a family, three years today.

I had to remove this video tape out of our bank's safety deposit box this week.  And when I viewed it a few days ago, I cried just as much then as I did three years ago.  Because no matter how much time passes, when your greatest dream comes true, you never forget how to relive it.

I spent the morning of July 28, 2005 in Scott's old yard work tee shirt and a pair of dirty blue jeans, driving to my hair and eyebrow appointment at my local hair salon.  I'd made the de facto call to DHL prior that morning and knew that your paperwork was on a plane from Beijing bound for New York, where our adoption facilitators were based.  I was pretty confident that July 28th was going to be the day.  Our day to finally put a name and a face to our daughter.  The day that our family would complete itself.

But I plodded about the morning, trying to maintain some sense of normalcy; I just did it with a video camera stuffed in my purse.  And who knew that it would prove to be one of the most treasured pieces of footage I've ever captured.  Call me over-emotional and I'll wear the title proudly.  All the crying, jumping up and down and screaming?  I wouldn't change one second of it.

You were wanted then and you are treasured now.  You are our girl and 'meant to be' doesn't even begin to capture the rawness of how much we love you.

Happy referral day, sweet girl; we're gonna have a great, great day as we celebrate tomorrow.   

*****

Video is footage captured as I found out that Gwen's referral packet had been delivered to American soil via DHL.  This footage was recorded just minutes before I received the infamous car scene phone call from our agency detailing Gwen's information.

Wow, what a day.

Princess Fantasy Dance Camp: The Video

More sparkles and tutus than you've ever cared to see. Enjoy.

Angsty Ballerina

This picture cracks me up.  Contrary to the look on her face, Gwen had a lot of fun at her first ever Princess Fantasy Dance Camp Recital.  She had a little taste of stage fright but once a few tears were shed, she got right back in stride, tap dancing to the ballet version of the Macarena.  Ha, and you think I jest.  Video soon.

We're Alive, I Swear!

We are wiped out.  Wisconsin was fab, spending time with friends was awesome.  What we didn't count on was a thirteen hour-ish return home (thanks, Delta Airlines!), a case of strep throat, a brown recluse spider bite on my leg and the wackiest rash ever.  We are catching up on sleep, recovering, getting in gear for Princess Fantasy Dance Camp and overall trying to finish painting our home.  Can you believe I only have three rooms left to paint?  And we put shutters on the front of the house.  It looks so much better.  Here's the before pic.  And now, the after:

We leave for the beach in a week and a half and I am desperate to lay in the sand and not move.  All this vacationing is taking a toll...pity me, right?  And I'm trying to plan a long weekend getaway for our tenth anniversary.  We're thinking Vermont since that's where we were when we rekindled our relationship.  We made it our wedding date for that very reason.  Any thoughts on a lovely place to stay in Vermont where we can hike, relax and enjoy a good meal sans the kidlet?

Funny story from (one of) our flights home:  As we were boarding the plane, the flight attendant looks at Gwen and asks, "Would you like to come and see where the pilot sits?  He's got lots of neat buttons to play with."  Gwen looks right into her eyes and firmly states, "No thanks.  I fly a lot; maybe another kid wants to go."  Well, the diva strikes again, heh.

Really, really beginning to have discussions about adoption with Gwen.  And they aren't easy, folks.  Soon, a post dedicated.

Must run.  Again...seems like I'm always running.  Having a preschooler is mind-blowingly exhausting, cripes.